what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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