i just had sex bonerless
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My feet surprised me
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
