Whatcha textin bout Willis?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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