Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
