I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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