Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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