I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
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