Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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