Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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