I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just blew my weed a kiss
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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