My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
