he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
