she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
