how hairy? two words: wookie tits
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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