oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
