I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize