Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
