I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
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