you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
