I think im going to throw up on grandma
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
