DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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