I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
