i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
