I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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