I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
