trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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