Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
