hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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