I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
