he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
