I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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