brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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