I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
