I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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