The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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