I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She said her name was "party"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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