his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
