In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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