I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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