I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
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