Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
