Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
