I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize