i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
