That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
