Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
