Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
