Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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