420 ftw
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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