dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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