You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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