wanna go halves on a baby?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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