My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
