happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
