I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
