I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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