He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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