its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
