ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Randomize