Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
