my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
