im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
