Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize