super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
